Most of us do not care about
anything in the universe as we feel that we know enough things. We probably
feel pretty comfortable with how much we know, as we have routines and rituals
that works pretty well for us. As we move from one year to another, we feel we
have went through years of trials and errors
to set up a business or find a
job, friend , the leisure activity we love or even clothes – that fit us best
and we are comfortable. So why bother with different things.
Self-preservation is a strong
survival instinct. When we are threatened we tend to react strongly to defend
our position and point of view. But for self-preservation we require
adaptation. We have to change in-order to remain. Getting too comfortable prevents
us from adapting to a changing world. The world does change and so does life. A
knee pain might end your morning run. Your job may become automated. In other
words, change might hit you in anyway, hence you will need to learn new
things. Because you are human, this
process will be uncomfortable, and this discomfort is called growth. You can decide to go on your own in this
journey, but it is always easier to take help from a friend, parent, a mentor
or a coach.
To be open to change or to learn
or get coached, you need to be more open. It is much harder to actually do that
especially if you have shy, cautious or defensive tendencies. You can use the
following three powerful techniques for opening your mind, heart and life to
change.
1. Affirm
your values: When we feel threatened, our defenses immediately go up. To
protect our self-esteem, we may deny our defaults and find many in others. If
your work team wins a pitch, for example, you might assume it was because of
your own hard work and strategy. If you lose, though, it is natural to blame
the failing on your teammates’ laziness or your client’s lack of vision.
While this
self-serving bias may leave our ego intact, it does not let us learn from the
experience. But there is a way to counteract this ego protecting instinct. It
is called self- affirmation. By affirming your core values, you minimize the
effects of temporary blows to the ego. This type of self-affirmation consists
of recognizing and reminding yourself of the qualities that make you who you
are and that are most important to you: your family, your capacity for
kindness, your creativity, your faith etc. You are affirming a deeper place
than just your ego. Through self-affirmation people can anchor their sense of
self in their broader view of the self as good and there is less need to defend
against the threat. Rather they can focus on the demands of the situation,
setting aside the need to protect their ego. Few illustrations of affirmation
or affirmation statement which you can use or
develop for yourself are:
· Happiness is my goal, so I let go EVERYTHING that does not serve my happiness!
·
The past influences today and my future days
only in positive ways!
·
Every day, in every way, I just keep getting
better!
·
I focus on my life purpose. I take care in making
forward strides!
·
When you give, you show your appreciation to the
source of all things!
·
Free from boundaries that limit our perspective
and understanding, we discover that our awareness is the awareness of the
universe!
·
I am willing to move out of my comfort zone and
experience life in a new way!
·
Today I am opening new doors to life
·
When one door closes, another one opens. I
always have access to the One Infinite source!
·
I lovingly forgive myself. I am free!
2. Be
compassionate with yourself: You need to be warm, friendly, intelligent, and
likable and mature when you are given a feedback. It is natural that when
individual feedback is given to a group of people, many in the group will take
the same in stride and are willing to accept the comments on their
personalities. But plenty of others are angered and upset by the comments,
rebelling against the idea that they might be simply average. They start
blaming the evaluation system, the reviewers rather than their own
personalities. People who are high on self-compassion are not threatened by the
feedback, they would accept and admit having flaws along with strengths- they
are open. People low in self-compassion, however lacked this emotional
resiliency.
Self-compassion
means gentleness with yourself. We think that if we speak critically to
ourselves, we will improve, however all the research shows with absolute
certainty that self-criticism does not improve performance. It blocks your
ability to learn from the situation and creates a stress response in which
fight or flight are your only options. Personal growth is not on the menu when
you are self-critical. With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same
kindness and care we would give to a good friend. Self-compassion involves:
·
Self-kindness instead of self judgement. If you
are open to your shortcomings, then you are open to growth.
·
Feelings of common humanity instead of
isolation. We should see our imperfections, struggles and suffering as part of
the shared human condition so we can see our own weaknesses from a broad,
forgiving place. Your flaws connect you to all other humans.
·
Mindfulness instead of over identification. Try
to hold your experiences in balanced awareness rather than ignoring or
exaggerating your pain. When you
over-identify with certain feelings, you can get swept away by negativity or
caught up in your ego.
Take a moment
every morning to say a kind word to yourself; to recognize your
connection to
the pulsing, imperfect humanity around you and to practice mindfulness,
whether
through meditation, yoga or running.
3.
Try
new and different stuff: Once you have practiced self-affirmation and self-compassion, you
can put your openness to use. One step: Talk to strangers. Studies suggest that
the more social interaction we have with fellow commuters, store clerks,
neighbors, and familiar people in your office – the happier and more satisfied
we feel with our day. You can also check out appreciating work of arts and
sculptures, this helps you become more observant. Also take new lessons:
Learning – whether it is a guitar, a keyboard, a language, rock-climbing, and
running – builds and preserves cognitive function.
Always be growing
and challenging yourself and seeking new opportunities, it prevents us from
getting too comfortable. Above all, ask for help and guidance to do these
things. We human need each other.
Source : Reading of the works of Patty Onderko, Life coach in Success Magazine
Tweets from @life_affirming